The moment no one could’ve predicted has arrived as Nikki Haley, who lost every single Republican primary besides DC and Vermont despite having recently discovered the vacuum where her vertebrae used to be, dropped out of the race today. “I am filled with gratitude for the outpouring of support we’ve received from all across our great country. But the time has now come to suspend my campaign. I said I wanted Americans to have their voices heard. I have done that. I have no regrets,” she said, staring wistfully at her own ghostly reflection in the teleprompter, silently rehashing the life choices that led her to this ignominious moment. Notably, however, she did not technically endorse Trump… yet. “It is now up to Donald Trump to earn the vote – those in our party and beyond it, who did not support him. And I hope he does that,” she said, leaving the door wide open for the inevitable, cowardly capitulation that is the trademark of the Haley brand.
Trump, for his part, recognized Haley’s exit with his usual grace and magnanimity. “Nikki Haley got TROUNCED last night, in record setting fashion,” he wrote on Truth Social, his floundering social media app, confident that nothing he could ever say would stop Haley from eventually endorsing him.
So, here we are folks. The courts won’t save us. Haley won’t save us. People hate Biden because of… reasons. Time to brush up on your Portuguese and pray there’s a two bedroom apartment still available in Lisbon you can cram your whole family into.