From the AP. The United States plunged into a period of national mourning as Mitch McConnell (R) – Kentucky, announced he is stepping down as Senate Minority Leader. “One of life’s most underappreciated talents is to know when it’s time to move on to life’s next chapter,” the 82 year-old said, speaking from the well of the Senate and seemingly overcome with emotion, “I am extremely proud of having done Satan’s work here on earth. I look forward to serving out my term, watching the forces of darkness I’ve unleashed in my thirty years of unbridled lust for power subsume the country I love so dearly.” Outside the Capitol building throngs of inconsolable mourners gathered, gnashing their teeth, ripping out their hair, flagellating themselves with thorny whips and howling deep cries of lamentation from the depths of their souls. “There’ll never be another one like him,” choked Lisa Markey, 42 of Sandusky, OH through heaving sobs, “someone so clearly without conscience, moral or scruples of any kind. They way he sold working class like me people out to corporate lobbyists, relaxed environmental regulations, gave huge tax breaks to lobbyists and donors, opened the door to Trumpism and a corrupt Supreme Court… I don’t know how we’ll go on without him.”
From the White House President Biden offered words of farewell to Leader McConnell as well as comfort for a grieving nation. “Mitch and I didn’t agree on much but I always respected his honesty and his willingness to sacrifice all that is good and right about our nation in order to stack the courts, subvert the will of the voters and secure a permanent Republican majority. Had he ever had a soul, I know he would’ve poured it into his work. We will miss him dearly and looking forward to working with his successor, confident in the knowledge they will be far worse.” When asked for a response, McConnell froze like a statue for sixteen seconds before being whisked away by aides.